Dear Resident Reverend...
If you have any questions about the Wedding Ceremony, your marriage vows, or about getting married in a church, please ask our resident agony aunt, our Resident Reverend Jan Harney.
Resident Rev' Jan and her colleagues will be visiting a number of the Wedding Fairs this year, and are more than happy to answer any queries you have. If you have a question, please Register for a free account, log in and then add your question by clicking on 'create content' in the menu on the right hand side about half way down.
This way your question and answer will be viewable for every other Bride, Groom and other reader.
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Common licence
Dear Reverend,
My fiance and I are getting married in our church in December. We have been told to get a common licence and wanted to find out what documents are required to do so.
Thankyou
Seun
Common Licence
Hi Seun
You haven't said why it's to be by Common licence. If one of you is under 18 you need written consent of parent or guardian. If one is a foreign national we like to see a letter from the embassy concerned confirming that the marriage will be recognised by the country in question.
You will need to confirm on oath that there is no legal reason why you may not marry. When the licence is granted you need to marry within 3 months.
Sorry to be vague but the diocesan registrar will let you know exactly what you need if I haven't already answered it
blessings
jan
Common licence
hello again. Thankyou for your reply.We need a common licence because my fiance is Nigerian. Will we need a letter from the Nigerian embassy?
'Seun
Hi Seun Yes that would be
Hi Seun
Yes that would be appropriate. The diocesan registrar should tell you exactly what you need by way of paperwork. Ask your Vicar for the contact details.
Hope all works out well for you
warm regards
jan
Special License
Dear Reverend,
Myself and my fiancee are very keen to get married in church and one in particular.
The church I have my heart set on is in Jevington, East Sussex. Although the church itself is very pretty, this is by no means the reason why I am so desperate to get married there. My family has very strong connections with the church that go back to my great grandparents. My great grandparents, grandmother and great aunt all have a place in the garden of remembrance. My great grandparents have a bench dedicated in their memory within the church grounds. And most recently, a final request by my great aunt before she passed away was to have a stained glass window of St Helena installed in the church so a part of her would always be there. I visited the church only one week ago for the service dedicating the new window to my great aunt and her commitment to the church and joy that she brought to the congregation. Even with these connections the current reverend has said a flat no to the possibilty of us being married there.
I am willing to do whatever it takes as this means so much to me, I want to have my whole family around me on such a special occasion.
I have spoken to the reverend of my mothers parish church and he sees no reason why I would not be eligible for a special license.
The warden of St Andrews in Jevington has written to the diocese to plead our case as she and her husband and many members of the congregation particularily within the choir of which my aunt was a member, all know why this is so important as they have been friends of the family for many years.
I may not live in the parish and I no longer have any living family in the parish, but I have known the church all my life and it is the only church I feel a connection to.
I am hoping you will be able to help me find a way to make this happen.
I am also slightly concerned that if the reverend of Jevington is unhappy to consent to us marrying in the church that if it were to go ahead the service itself would not have the same feel to it and so I would also like to know if it is possible for us to have another vicar perform the service? My mothers vicar was pleased that we were choosing to get married in a church in a time where services elsewhere are becoming more requested. I would much prefer someone like this to be marrying us.
Please can you help with this dilemma, I have tried to talk to the reverend, I have spoken to another parish reverend and also called the faculty of the cofe and it doesn't seem to have gotten me any further!
Thank you for taking the time to read my plea
Yours Sincerely
Vicki Busfield
Hi Vicki Yours is a common
Hi Vicki
Yours is a common problem, I'm afraid, and it might help you to know that these rules are set by parliament so it's not that the Vicar at Jevington is being deliberately difficult.
Because of the complexities of legal registers people can't simply pop into a church and marry. You would need to get a license and it would normally entail you living in the parish for 15 days or (alternatively) starting to attend the church regularly and asking to be put on the electoral roll.
If neither of these is possible, I agree with your mum's Vicar that you ought to have a good case for a Special Licence.The grounds are 'a real connection with the parish or the church in question' so I'm not sure why the faculty office haven't been able to advise you. Unless it's because it's become a sensitive situation.
It does sound rather as if relationships might have broken down as you've felt the need to talk to so many other people about it, so - the reality is - your chances diminish as the relationship deteriorates unfortunately. No-one likes their authority to be undermined - imagine how you'd feel yourself if someone went over your head to your boss about something.
Humble pie doesn't taste good but it usually has a healthy effect. Why not go to him, apologise for the heated situation and ask if you might start again. Then ask if he has any suggestions of how that special place might be incorporated into your day. For example - have you considered getting married elsewhere and requesting a service of blessing at Jevington?
The Vicar of the church is actually the registrar and he would need to give permission for another minister to officiate at any wedding in his parish. So either way a bit of repair work won't go amiss.
I don't have any authority in this situation but I'll pray to the one who does. Try winging a few up yourself before talking to anyone else. :-)
every blessing
jan
Dear Jan, Thank you so much
Dear Jan,
Thank you so much for your prompt reply. It's good to get some advice from an impartial point of view.
I would happily go to services if that's what it takes and go on the electoral role. But when I spoke to the vicar to ask if there was anything I could do, he suggested none of these options and when I commented on the feasability of a special licence the answer was, until the church changes it's rules it's a no.
I would like to say that whilst the vicar has said no, he did so wishing us luck and I don't believe he is doing this for any other reason than to follow the rules. Unfortunately we have had mixed opinions on the interpretation of those rules and what does and doesn't justify a real connection with the parish or church.
I do feel it is a little akward at the moment and I agree that it would be better for us to sit down and talk to the vicar and dispell any tension within the relationship. Do you suggest I propose for us to go on the elctoral role or should the suggestion come from him?
I really don't want to step on any ones toes, but I felt i needed to get some advice as we weren't being given any options to work from.
Thank you again for your help.
Best wishes
Vicki
Living away from Parish that I grew up in
Hi I was just wondering whether you could offer some advice to us.
Both myself and my Fiance are living in Dublin, we are hoping to get married in my home Parish in Staffordshire where I grew up and my family currently live.
I have been in contact with my local vicar and am hoping to meet him when we are both next home visiting my parents.
In the meantime I was just wondering whether you would be able to answer some questions.
Firstly although I grew up in the parish would we still be required to be living in the parish for the 15 days prior to the wedding if we do not currently live in the Parish.
Secondly, my fiance is Catholic and I am CofE from what I gather we seem to be able to both get married in a church but I was wondering is what required legally when one of the marriage party is a non-national?
Dear Reader Some of your
Dear Reader
Some of your questions are already answered on the site - so very briefly: Yes the 15 day rule would apply and yes you can get married in the Anglican church if you are a Roman Catholic.
You don't mention where your fiance is from. If he is a national of a country in the European Union, the USA, Canada, Australia New Zealand or South Africa then you should be fine. Elsewhere means that a Common Licence would be the required option and the diocesan registrar may ask you to obtain a letter from the relevant embassy confirming that your marriage will be recognised.
This is to protect you both (and any children you may have in the future) from potential legal difficulties.
Hope this helps - sorry it sounds complicated.
warm regards
Jan
church blessing
We are getting married next friday 6th july and having a church blessing the following day. After a meeting with the padre yesterday he informed me that we would have to enter the church together...this is the first i knew of this. My brother had a church blessing two years ago and it resembled a wedding as his bride walked down the aisle with her bridesmaids as he waited at the alter. I'm so dissapointed about this. However, a different padre will be conduction our blessing. I want to ask him if I can enter the church seperately from my husband. The other padre said it was illegal to do this and he could get upto 16 years in prison for tampering with the marriage laws of the church of england! How can this be? I really thought i could walk down the aisle to meet my husband as i've seen this done at both blessings i've attended. Please advise me.. Thank you. Maggie.
Hi Maggie Apologies for the
Hi Maggie
Apologies for the delay in replying as I've been away on retreat.
A wedding is a legal ceremony and there are certain things which MUST be done. For example there must be a Bible reading and a sermon. Unless you are having Holy Communion at your blessing service you are not bound by those rules. You can write your own prayers if you like.
A wedding blessing service is not a legal ceremony and can take place in your garden or anywhere - it doesn't have to be in a church building or even taken by a Vicar.
So - though there are comments like 'The Bride and Groom should enter the church together' etc - your minister should be able to cut you some slack here. You use the term Padre - suggesting a military setting which is probably why the rules seem important. I'm sure it's not a hangable offence - or even a prison risk :-)
Hope you get the service that blesses you
kind regards
Jan
weddings
me and my fi want to get married in a church but neither one of us are christened. will this be a problem?
Dear Reader It's not
Dear Reader
It's not necessary for either of you to be christened in order to marry in church. So go and ask with confidence at your local parish.
Warm regards
Jan
Wedding ceremony
Hi,
Myself and my boyfriend do not attend church regularly but it is important to us to have religion play a part in our wedding day.
We've found a wonderful wedding that is licensed to hold civil wedding ceremonies. We'd really like to have a religious blessing at this venue for our family and friends to attend - with prayers, readings and hymns.
Where do we begin to see if this is at all possible and who might be willing to help us with our wishes?
Many thanks,
Alison
Hi Alison If you have a
Hi Alison
If you have a Civil wedding the registrar won't allow anything religious - so no Bible readings, hymns or prayers at the actual wedding.
Once the registrar has left the premises you would be free to have a blessing service, though if you don't have a relationship with a minister you might have a job on convincing them to go along to a hotel and perform a service there for you - unless they see it as an evangelistic opportunity. Why not approach your local minister and ask?
Without wishing to intrude - is there a reason why you've chosen not to get married in church?
This is not a legal ceremony and anyone can do it so if you have a Christian friend they could read prayers etc.
Feel free to send a message to me privately if you want to.
Kind regards
Jan
Getting married in a Church not in our parish.
Hi there, I have read the previous post which is similar to my question, but still leaves a question unanswered. I was very much looking forward to getting married in a Church less than 2 miles from where I live, St Mary's Church in Bishopstoke, Eastleigh, but on enquiring have been told that we can't as we are not in their parish. Another Church, Holy Trinity Church in Colden Common also stated we weren't in their parish. We only have one Church in our parish (St. Thomas, Fair Oak, Eastleigh) but were hoping to get married in one of the other Churches. My friend recently got married in Essex and has no connection whatsoever with the Church she got married in. I know they attended a handful of times to the services, but did not worship for 6 months so I do not understand the ruling? Is it at the Vicar's discretion as to how long you must worship for?
Also, when you say you need to live in the Parish for 15 days, what are the rules for this?
Thank you for your time, Clairey
Hi Clairey The 15 day rule
Hi Clairey
The 15 day rule says that one of you must have had your usual place of residence for 15 days immediately before applying for a common licence. You take proof of this to the diocesan registrar by appointment and confirm your residency (which could be in a B & B) on oath.You need to marry within 3 months of the licence being issued.
There are no hard and fast rules as to how many times you need to attend a different church in order to get on the electoral role. The ruling simply says that you habitually worship there. You'd need to chat with the vicar to see what the church considered that to be. As they are very local they might ask you to attend church at least once a month - but ask and see.
These are not rules drawn up by the Church, by the way, but by parliament and your Vicar is bound by them - so it sounds like you'll need to set your alarm on a Sunday from now on. Hopefully you'll enjoy the service anyway.
Warmest
Jan
Thank you for your quick
Thank you for your quick reply. I would enjoy attending the Church on a monthly basis, thanks for the advice, I will arrange an appointment to meet the Vicar in person and discuss this with him. Thank you so much.
Hi Clairey That's brilliant
Hi Clairey
That's brilliant and you're very welcome.
I'm so pleased you're willing to go to church. You'll feel part of the church family and (as someone who officiates at weddings) I know how much warmer and friendlier the service feels when the Vicar knows the couple, even if only slightly.
Your friends and family will notice the difference too and will probably comment. It makes the service feel much more personalised and special and very much a part of the day's celebrations.
My prayer is that when you do start attending regularly you'll get to know more about Jesus - who created you, wants only the best for you and is the real 'Best man'. Every blessing to you both
jan x
church weddings
hiya i was wondering if u needed to be christened to get married in a church?
Rachel.
Hi Rachel No you don't need
Hi Rachel
No you don't need to be christened to get married in church, and if you are both single you are legally entitled to marry in your local parish even if you don't attend - so don't worry about approaching your local Vicar.
jan
Atheist Marriage
Hi Jan.
I'm an atheist, but my partner wants to marry in a church. I don't particularly want to be a hypocrite and make promises to a god I don't believe in, but I am prepared to do this for her.
Is there any way that I can get married in church, and let the vicar know that I am an atheist too? Alongside gods and hypocrisy, I also don't believe in deceit.
Dear Reader Many thanks for
Dear Reader
Many thanks for your honesty. Your integrity shines through this email and bodes well for your relationship.
You sound very definate about your position. I've met lots of people who are not sure what they believe but not so many who are as clear as you about your total lack of faith.
I think it's great that you are prepared to compromise for your future wife and suggest that you go and chat to your local Vicar and talk through the options.There are certain words that have to be included legally in a wedding service.I'm sure the Vicar will appreciate your honesty and hopefully you can find an option that makes everyone happy.
Be prepared, though, for he or she to be equally blunt with you. Perjury is serious business in court or in church.
Wanting a different church
Hello I hope you can help me, my partner and I really want to get married at a church outside our parish - we've been told it is possible if you ask permission - however we've not been able to track down a vicar at the church as several vicars look after it (its the Church in Scotter, Lincolnshire). Neither of us want to get married in our local church as its a newly built building and it doesn't have the same feel to it as the more traditional churches - we both want a proper traditional wedding and feel we would not be achieving this in our local parish. Is there any advice you could give us in finding out how we can get married at this other church?
not your parish?
Dear Reader
If you visit the church of england site - http://www.achurchnearyou.com/ you'll find who is who in diferent parishes.
Your favourite parish is looked after by a retired priest:
The Revd Canon A Dutfield, 30 Barnes Green, Scotter
Gainsborough, Lincolnshire, DN21 3RW
Tel: 01724 764220
If you want to get married there you will need to begin attending the church regularly - getting yourself known to the wardens and clergy. After 6 months you can ask to be put on the electoral roll. The electoral rolls are currently being updated so you'll need to express a wish to go on it asap.
Failing that you'll need to move into the parish for 15 days...
Try ringing Canon Dutfield to start the conversation
warm wishes
jan
Church Fees
My fiancee and i are hoping to get married next summer, in the church that i've been going to all my life. My vicar is away at the moment and I am dying to ask him how much it's going to cost to be married in the church. Do you know an average price for the church service and organist?
Thanks,
Emma Curtis (soon to be Williams)
Prices
Hi Emma
The prices can vary greatly because churches add costs for heating, bells, etc...
Basic costs tend to be around £250- £300 but I heard today of a church that quoted £500. Your church will have set fees and if the Vicar is away the wardens or church treasurer should be able to quote.
If you're part of the church family you may well find that the congregation will offer to help - perhaps by providing special flowers that week or helping with catering.
It's always lovely having weddings in church, and if you've been attending all your life then the church will consider they've got 'part shares in you' and be particularly excited for you.
Some couples arrange to have slices of cake and coffee or sparkling wine at the back of church after the service. You probably can't afford to invite EVERYBODY to the reception but it's a nice way of showing hospitality to members of the congregation who turn out to cheer you on.
warmest regards
Jan Harney (Rev'd)
U.S. Citizen
Help! My fiance is Catholic and I am Episcopalian. This will be the 2nd marriage for both of us.We would like to have a civil marriage ceremony in the United States but want to have a blessing or service of prayer or dedication in England or France (either church). What is the likelihood that we can accomplish such a feat without knowing anyone that could perform such a service?
Thank you for your prompt
Thank you for your prompt reply! I fear that we neither have a home or relative's home in England or France. Therein lies our problem! We are in our 50's, are U.S citizens, love Europe, and want a private church blessing (prayer and dedication service)just between the 2 of us in England or France. Is this possible without having a residence or a family residence there? And if so, would you be so kind as to further correspond how we can have such a service? Oh, and I suppose I should add, know no one to speak to concerning this situation. Thank you for giving this matter attention.
At the risk of being
At the risk of being presumptuous - I'd be happy to organise and conduct such a service for you if you like.
Or I can ask a male colleague if that would be preferable.
If you're willing to come to Manchester then why not let me have your email address and we can continue this conversation in detail.
If you'd prefer to simply go to London then I'll try to organise linking you with someone else in the South. Either way, I'm sure we can sort something out for you.
warmest wishes
jan
I could not be more
I could not be more excited!! I have sent my email address to James Cole and look forward to this adventure!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! -Ann
wedding blessing
You're very welcome.
That's what we're here for... and it's lovely that you're so excited.
warmest regards
Jan
plans
I just wanted to give my own testimony as to what a blessing this web-site has been to me (here in the U.S.)! I have been in touch with the "resident rev" and have found her to not only be extremely helpful but oh, so enjoyably and promptly so! Our plans are set in motion and hopefully in August I can post more than just "plans"! Thank you for such a creative, blessed group! Blissfully happy, Ann
Blessing upon blessing
Dear Reader
You haven't specified where you live but I'm assuming that you have a home in England, or relatives at least.
You can certainly have a blessing service and you can find an outline of the service on the CofE website. This was written for couples who have previously had a civil ceremony so it might need the odd word tweaking and there is some flexibility in what goes into it.
As this isn't a legal ceremony and doesn't require the filling out of registers it can happen anywhere and doesn't really even need an ordained minister to officiate. However, if you approach the minister at your local church (or the parish your relatives live in) I'm sure he or she will be willing to plan such a service with you.
If you don't have a location in mind or need putting in touch with a minister in any given area then please email again and chat further. I'll be glad to help in any way I can.
please leave your message after the tone...
Dear reader,
Thanks for posting your wedding question for our Resident Reverend, the blogging virtual vicar, Jan Harney.
Jan is away from the NewlyWeds-UK towers for a couple of days, but will answer question as soon as she can
--
James Cole
Editor
NewlyWeds-UK
What's in a name?
Lindsey wrote in to ask the following question:
My partner and I are hoping to be married in our local church, my partner is christened but I'm not. Do I have to be christened before I get married?
Hi Lindsey
No, you don't need to be christened in order to get married in church, though it's possible to have this ceremony as an adult if you want to.
We tend to call it Baptism rather than Christening, though both are correct, and often adults choose to be baptised by full immersion. Either way the dipping into water three times is symbolic of death and rebirth into a new life. There are some prayers of commitment and some vows -rather like being married - but you would be promising to turn your back on all the old stuff that you regret and turn towards a new life in Christ.
You start again - with a clean slate. I can recommend it. It's a really potent ceremony for an adult to opt for and, according to the Bible, there's a big knees-up in heaven afterwards.
But hey - I'm getting carried away a bit, so I'll just confirm the answer to your question is No - you don't need to be baptised in order to marry in church.
(I hope your vicar gives you such a fantastic welcome that you decide to ask about it though. Let me know if you do... and have a brilliant wedding day.)
jan x
Can we get another vicar to marry us in our church?
Hi, our vicar runs all four churches in our parish, is there any chance we can get another vicar to marry us in our church?
Rent A Vicar
Dear Reader
It sounds as if your vicar is exceptionally busy. If you have a relationship with another minister it's certainly possible for them to marry you in your local church but, once again, this is something your own vicar needs to agree to. He or she is the registrar and someone coming in would be officiating under their authority.
If the other minister is a particular friend of yours, then I'm sure your local vicar would be sympathetic. If it's simply that you're not too keen on him/her then obviously you'll need to be very sensitive in your approach to both ministers.
Hope it all works out for you and that you enjoy your day
Jan Harney (Rev'd)
Marriage blessing
My partner and I are planning on getting married next year and would like to have a traditional wedding. The problem we may have is that my partner is divorced. I haven't been able to speak to my vicar as of yet so I had a quick look on the Church of England website, unfortunately it doesn't make it very clear as to what the laws are. Also. should this not be possible what about a marriage blessing after a civil ceremony? How would that work if at all?
Divorced Partners
Dear Reader
You are legally allowed to marry in church, but it is at the discretion of the Vicar. When I was a curate, our church had a policy of saying a blanket 'no' because they didn't want to appear to be judging anyone - but they always offered a blessing service. The final decision lies with the individual minister.
I'm sure he or she will want to have a frank discussion with you. Sometimes circumstances can be the determining factor. For example, if you were not the cause of the previous marriage failing then it might be helpful to say that. If you've been together for a number of years and are clearly committed to making this relationship work, then that would be a significant factor too.
Even if the Vicar is not happy about a church wedding, a marriage blessing should be an alternative that is open to you. You can still wear a posh dress and the service can be made special in lots of ways, but obviously the wording is different.
In this case you might choose (for example)to have a civil ceremony in the morning and have your church ceremony in the afternoon. But do go and speak to the Vicar. This is not an unusual situation nowadays and I'm sure you'll find a sympathetic ear, regardless of the policies in place.
Every blessing to you both as you plan your future together
Jan Harney (Rev'd)
Dog at the Wedding Ceremony
My daughter is getting married and we would like our small dog to be at the
ceremony. Is this possible?
Things that go 'woof' in services
Dear Reader
I'm pretty certain there are no legal reasons to prevent your dog attending the wedding. It's great that he(she?) is so much a part of the family that you want to include him.
As a dog-lover myself I'd be delighted to see him resplendent in a bow matching the bridesmaids - just as long as he didn't disrupt the service by howling along with the hymns or decide to do some pew 'christening'.
This is really a question only your own minister can answer as they might have strong feelings about what is acceptable in their church.
If all else fails, pass him off as a guide dog or fur handbag! Have a fabulous day.
Jan Harney (Rev'd)