Best Man Speech

As the final installment in my blog - the diary of a Best Man in Training, I thought I would share with you my best man speech, delivered on Saturday night, to a marquee full of wedding guests, enjoying the wedding breakfast, and sheltering from the rain.

Best Man Speech Opening Line
So John Smith is a married man. I guess you think that proves to everyone... you're not gay then?

There comes a time in every person's life... where they meet someone special, someone that knows them and understands them, respects them and makes them realise that they have met the person that they are destined to spend the rest of their life with. That moment for John, arrived 8 years ago... when he met me.

A wise man told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love. Thank you, have a good evening.

Best Man Thanks
Ladies and Gentlemen, My name is Joe, and I'll be your Best Man for the evening. I'll start with the formalities; I'd like to echo the many compliments I have heard today, to the Bride's parents. Thank you for hosting what has so far been an absolutely fantastic wedding. Jeff and Julie, I know today cannot have been easy seeing your oldest daughter marry someone like John.

The bridesmaids look wonderful, and they have also performed their duties brilliantly. Well done on getting Jane to the ceremony today, I understand she put up quite a fight! John, thank you, on behalf of the bridesmaids, for your kind words. They appreciate you saying how wonderful they look, and they only wish they could return the compliment.

I'm sure that everyone agrees, Jane you look stunning, and John is a very lucky man. John, you look great too. It's just a shame you had to copy my outfit!

Introduction
It is with great pride that I take on this role as best man, today. When I first started donating £5 a month to the short legs and curly hair charity 8 years ago, I received a photograph and regular updates about John, or Affy as he was known, I didn’t imagine that this would lead to me having the honour of being John's best man.

In all honesty I’m actually a little bit nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I’ve actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience. – Yep I went down to the local nursing home – and I think it went well – they all p1553d themselves anyway.

When I asked John what he was looking for in marriage, he said love and happiness. When I asked Jane the same question, she said an intelligent, loving, tall, dark and handsome man - but that she would happily settle for John.

John and I didn’t always get on - I remember times when I would call John ‘stumpy’, he would call me 'fatty’, and we would both run home crying. But sure enough, the next day, John would email me from work and we would make up.

I promised I wouldn't embarrass John too much, and I wasn't going to mention his two worst habits... Smoking and M4sturb4t10n. John's a 20 a day man, but he has now stopped smoking.

John was born on the second of September, 1980 in Harrow on the Hill. I did some research to try and find out a major world event that happened on that day, and nothing, absolutely nothing else happened that day. Yet apparently the staff at the at Northwick Park hospital, still call it Monkey boy Tuesday.

I asked some of John's friends and family for any anecdotes they felt should be included today. I found all of John's friends to be very loyal, or at least they didn't want to incriminate themselves anyway.

Let's talk about John's careers to date. John was a paperboy, and not a very good one by all accounts. Apparently his grandparents had to deliver most of the papers for him as he used to whinge every morning about having a puncture. So searching for a job with better prospects, more flexible hours, and job satisfaction, John went from not-very-good-paperboy to... an exceptional shepherd.

After school John used to go and see his sheep, 30 of them, there little faces aglow as he approached them. John used to count them, feed them and regale them with stories of his school day, like the time Jo, John's sister was getting some grief off a guy, a bully at school. John, as the protective big brother went to stick up for her, swang for the bully and hit the school geek by mistake... But the sheep understood. He had names for them all and he loved them all as individuals, even becoming quite close to one. Dolly her name was. But times change, things move on, and unfortunately his 30 woolly friends couldn't be here today.

John found that being a shepherd would not take him far in life, so next he thought he would try a life of crime. This started with an RNLI box and progressed to a time in the 6th form at school where he and his friend Brett stole a car, John! They took Jake's mummy's car for a joyride, and then crashed it in a field. Since then, John hasn't had much luck with cars, including his beloved battered Citroen AX, which when stopped by a policeman in Sturry one night, John had to ask the Policeman to open the door for him, as the handles on the inside didn't work...

...this was a fact he neglected to mention to his future mother in law, who had to help him start the car one morning after staying with Jane, John pushed the car, Julie managed to start it, only to find she was trapped inside. Not the best first impression. Speaking of first impressions, late one night staying with Jane, Julie and John met naked on the landing in the middle of the night. Not the best way to make a good impression, or even a big impression in John's case

Moving on to university, John was a very social creature, moving in many circles, and making many friends, some of whom are here today. I contacted a number of them to ask them for words that they felt described John Smith.

• A great friend
• Trustworthy
• Loyal
• Clever
• Determined
• Successful.

Infact I barely found a person who had a bad word to say about John... Although I did find some...

• Lazy
• Arrogant
• Stubborn

But if his Dad doesn't know him... then who does?

Just look at them, their love still seems so pure and simple, Jane so pure... John so simple.

In all seriousness, I am proud to be your best man. Jenny and I truly value both of your friendships. We think you are a smashing couple, and we wish you every happiness together in your married life.

Read messages from absentees
Before I finish, I have a few telegrams to read out:

1. Telegram from John's old school football team. Dear Jane, best wishes for the day, we found John useless in every position, we hope you have more luck.
2. Telegram from John's doctor, hope the day hasn't been too stressful and the blood pressure is ok. Hope you have a wonderful evening, Stay off the guinness as we discussed and remember it can happen to any of us!
3. A telegram from the CEO of Clinique... it says, Thanks, John, for another year's great profits, mostly down to you. Have a wonderful day and think of us as every night, Jane whispers those 3 special words to you; Cleanse, Tone, Moisturise.

Tips for the NewlyWeds
It is traditional to finish my speech with some advice for the newlyweds, and after giving it some thought, and consideration to the type of audience... I settled for this: Marriage should be a half and half partnership. John, you need to realise that anyone who believes that knows little about women, and even less about fractions

Toast to the Bride and Groom
Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you that are still capable of standing, would you now do me the honour of rising to your feet, and raising a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Smith, to John and Jane

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