Dear Resident Reverend,
We are planning to get marries next year, and I have a question about the vows. Both the bride and I are from families who regularly attend their local parish churches, and we have both been brought up in C of E schools, and are both baptised. With a good relationship with our local vicar, and with a beautiful parish church, we would both like to be married in the local church.
Over time, I have lost my own faith in God, and whereas I want a Christian wedding ceremony, I do not want my vows themselves to invoke God as my witness, as I feel that this would be a false vow to me.
My question is whether there is a way for me not include reference to God in my vows, and still have otherwide a nice C of E wedding?
King regards,
Edward
Comments
Sorry Edward - this is my second response to your posting and I'll try to answer your question properly this time. You got me on the 'nice' and found my Achilles heel I'm afraid and I went off on one! So apologies from me - and lets try to unpack your question.
Legally speaking - a man and woman marry each other and the Vicar (or registrar if it is a civil wedding) is there simply to officiate/facilitate. There must be at least two other winesses who can vouch for the fact that the man and woman have both seperately and voluntarily taken this step. And there are certain words which they both need to say aloud to make this clear. But it is the people who are the witnesses and they sign the registers to prove the legality of the marriage.
So in the Civil service your words are "I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Edward...." But obviously a civil ceremony makes no reference to God whatsoever and you are not allowed to have religious readings or songs/hymns. So that is one extreme.
The proclamation (made by the Vicar) in the Church service says this: 'In the presence of God and before this congregation, N & N have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other. They have declared their marriage by the giving and receiving of rings.'
There isn't really a point where you 'invoke God as a witness' to use your phrase, though you do say "In the presence of God I make this vow". And when placing the rings on there is a reference to the love of God, Father, Son & Holy Spirit.
Take a look at the service wording when you visit the Vicar or download it from the CofE website. Only you can decide if you are willing to say those words but we do have to use the liturgy in a church wedding.
I think it's interesting because in my opinion we are always in the presence of God - it's just that the Civil ceremony doesn't acknowledge his presence where the Church ceremony does. I don't know if that helps you or not.
Obviously there are other prayers but your role is passive in those sections and you are not required to say anything other than AMEN if you agree to what has been prayed. I do think that you are showing integrity by not wanting to say things that you don't believe - which is a good sign for your relationship with your future wife.
I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your faith and I'd love to think that you might find God again in this situation. You were brought up in the church - I wonder if you remember the Prodigal Son story that Jesus told. Even though the boy turned his back on the Father his dad never stopped loving him and longing for his return. When he did finally return home (for all the wrong reasons really) he was drawn back in and shown love, acceptance and a party was thrown to celebrate his return. In the Father's opinion the boy had never stopped being his son.
My understanding of faith is a 'once saved, always saved' basis. So though you may have lost your faith in him I think he still believes in you, Edward. And at any time in your life you can choose to come back and be assured of a loving welcome.
My husband & I were not Christians when we got married and barely heard the powerful things that were prayed over us. Ten years later we decided to renew our vows and ask God's blessing upon us. That service is available to anyone at any time throughout their marriage.
But your wedding is yet to come. Can I encourage/ challenge you even - to spend some time quietly on your own. Go for a walk in the hills maybe, and invite God to break back into your life and re-ignite your faith?
Do think about it. If God doesn't exist then nothing will happen but it can't possibly do you any harm. Then you can say those vows because they are meaningless anyway. But if God does exist he'll respond and re-establish the relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I believe that when God is invited he always responds and if you truly open your heart you will find him again. Then your wedding service will have so much more meaning and this conversation will be redundant. He'll be there anyway (it's his house) so he may as well be an invited guest.
Don't settle for a 'nice' service Edward - go for one that makes you feel truly alive. One that will be remembered after the last bit of cake has been eaten and the confetti has all blown away!