Wedding and Baptism.
I have been with my Partner almost 8 years. We have 2 children together and would like to get married and I really wanted a church wedding. We have both been married before but not in a church, I felt very strongly that this time I wanted to, as living in this village we do have great connection with the church and haven't felt like this since I was young. We don't attend Sundays but are there lots for School Worships and other occasions.
Last year I saw that some were having joint Weddings and Baptisms and as we didn't want all the fuss of the wedding (the flowers, presents etc) it was about the church service itself and the getting married with our friends and family, we asked if it would be possible to have the wedding as a surprise. The Dean covering said yes but was too busy so we said we would wait for the new Vicar. He has now said no, firstly he said our idea of surprising people with a marriage was dishonest, so we said we would tell people first, then he said he wouldn't do the service together so we said we would do it seperately. Today he has said he will not Baptise our daughter but will only offer a Thanksgiving Ceremony, I'm really upset and don't know what to do?
Comments
Hi Tara
We are a church who loves to say YES and I'm so very sorry that you feel that's it been NO for you so far. What you are proposing is perfectly acceptable and possible, and I'm unclear as to the objections you are hearing.
Just clarify with your Vicar what he is actually saying with regards to your daughter. He cannot legally refuse to baptise a parishioner. But some Vicars like to offer a Thanksgiving first and spend time with you so that you fully understand the promises that you'll be asked to make at the Baptism. They are big promises and shouldn't be undertaken lightly.
If you look at the Church of England Wedding Project website www.yourchurchwedding.org
then you will see the story of a couple who did exactly what you are proposing. They had the baptism and then got married as a surprise. A Marriage requires 2 witnesses in order to be legal but there is no stipulation that your guests should know in advance - though you'll need to have banns read in church so the locals will know. There will also be an opportunity (as always) for anyone to raise a legal objection at the service itself - so it's not as if there is a reason to say no to a surprise wedding as long as you can prove in advance that you are both free to marry. The Vicar would need sight of both decree absolutes in advance.
You are not pioneering this - there are lots of precedents and the CofE issued guidelines to Clergy last year, about doing joint weddings and baptisms, which caused lots of publicity. That is what you will have read in the papers.
Try printing off some of these stories and give them to your vicar to think about. If all else fails then ask if the Area Dean or another clergy member can take your service. I do hope you can arrange this and have the day of your dreams.
The only objection that a minister could bring is in the remarrying of Divorcees. As this doesn't seem to be an issue for him then there seems to be no reason why you can't go ahead with this plan.
Warmest regards
Jan
Thank-you for your reply, we have just had a visit from a Vicar in the next Parish who is willing to do this service for us. I did email the Dean and leave an answerphone message but had no reply to either. In light of this I think it may be better to go to the next town which although not ideal I don't know if I'm comfortable pushing here. I'm a little puzzled as to the situation but feel this is the only way forward.