Best Man Speech: University Friend

Hello I’m Bob, and I’m an alcoholic... Rubbish, that's Tuesday night.

Distinguished Guests, Those of Lesser Distinction and those of No Distinction At All. Family, Relatives, New and Old, In-laws and Outlaws. Friends, Friends of Friends, Freeloaders and hangers-on. Welcome To Billy and Karen’s Wedding Reception.

Billy, when I was a groom some three years ago, you may remember I received a bit or a grilling, now I believe that helped make my marriage very happy. So bare in mind anything I'm going to say about you is not designed to get cheap laughs at your expense... I'm just doing it for the good of your marriage mate. No... no need for thanks.

Before I carry on I would like to thank Billy on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind comments and echo the fact that they look wonderful and performed their role fantastically well, despite the inevitable and healthy rivalry that can sometimes occur. In fact, just before the service I overheard a furious argument about who was going to be first to dance with the gorgeous and adorable best man. Understandable, I thought - until I got closer and heard them saying, 'You!', 'no, you!'.

A big thank you to my assistants, the ushers; Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy and Bashful. One stipulation for the wedding that the ushers weren’t allowed to look better than the Best Man today and I’m pleased to say they have accomplished all their duties admirably. Cheers guys good job!

And the Bride, I sure you’ll all agree that Karen looks amazing today, and she has done a fantastic job helping Billy organise this wonderful day.

I have been a best man before; knowing this Billy still asked me! but he did give me a book of tips, I skipped past the obvious falling points of, getting the groom to the church with neat hair and looking hansom, two main problems; ugly and nearly bald, and progressed to page 2 and I quote “Maintaining a clear head during the wedding celebrations is vital for the Best man. You should remain sober!", so I threw the book away.

Back to basics I though, Google. The results of “Man”, “Best” and the phrase “Second Time”, yielded some surprising, but not entirely useful results.

As best man I did however think it would be a good idea to consult the vicar on his views of Billy and Karen and where he stood on the whole sex before marriage debate, he said it was fine….. as long as it didn’t delay the service past 3.15

Yesterday morning I had a little chat with Karen about marriage and how her life is going to change. I spoke about the hours in front of the kitchen sink, the washing of socks, unpaid secretary, social organiser, cook, etc. No need to thank me now Billy, but for the first couple of months Karen said she’d be willing to help you out.

I have known Billy for six years, since university. During this time he has been a source of great companionship, many enjoyable nights out, and occasionally some very high scoring coursework. This hasn’t always been the case, I managed to get hold of some of Billys old school reports, I don’t want to bore you with all the; Billys so kind and polite, he’s such a lovely child, so I will cut to the three I found the most interesting:

1. CDT: Although very keen, Billy has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres!!!!!!
2. Religious Education: Billy’s understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis!!!!!!
3. Music - Billy takes a very hands on approach to music, but I wish he’d concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than with himself.

Some of you may not know Billy all that well, so as best man I feel that it is my duty to enlighten you.

PHOTOS
Billy wasn’t always ugly; in fact when he was a toddler he was quite cute,
PICTURE ONE (BABY PICTURE)

For those of you that know Billy will be aware, he is always keen to talk; this jaw stamina was developed from an early age,
PICTURE TWO (YOUNG PICTURE MOUTH OPEN)

Always keen to poke animals, Billy’s fascination started with pin the tail on the donkey.
PICTURE THREE (HORSE)

Billy soon got into fashion, not content with dressing like Daddy; he thought that it would be more fun to dress like Mummy.
PICTURE FOUR (YOUNG PICTURE DRESS)

And even to this day he has never really grown out of this cross dressing thing
PICTURE FIVE, (STAG DO DRESS PICTURE)

Billy always wanted to be a film star. But sadly never made it to Top Gun
PICTURE SIX, (SUNNIES)

And instead of playing with super heroes, as he did when he was young he now prefers to dress like them.
PICTURE SEVEN, (SUPERMAN)

I’d like to ask Karen and Billy to participate in the speech now. Karen if I can ask you to place you hand flat on the table... Billy, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Karen’s... and enjoy... as it is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand.

Now Billy some advice. It’s very important to get on with your mother-in-law. I can tell you from personal experience, because, I didn't actually speak to my mother-in-law for nearly two years after marrying Amanda. It wasn't because I didn't like her. It's just I thought it rude to interrupt.

My throat was dry when I began this speech, it's even drier now and I can think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds.

There is one thing that puzzles me, I still don’t know how Billy got Karen to say yes... because all she seems to say now is “No! Billy, no!”

Anyway please fill your glasses and rise to drink a toast

Ladies and gentlemen, The newest Mr and Mrs Dakid... Billy and Karen